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Fire Up The FHP Plane, Lt. Gov Is In The Mix

Warning:  This article contains excessive satire.  The conversations relayed are simply figments of a warped imagination.  Consider yourself forewarned.

Mere days after learning his mentor, Charlie Crist, was leaving him at the Tallahassee altar to pursue a Senate seat, Florida Lt. Governor Jeff Kottkamp emerged from a strategy session with his top aides to announce he would likely run for Florida Attorney General.

“Charlie bailed on me,” the Lt. Governor complained to the assembled press.  “Seriously, you try explaining to your wife that she might have to share in the driving duties on the next road trip to see Kenny Loggins.  I’m telling you, she was teed off.  Next thing I know, she’s run off to tell the kid that Daddy’s losing his private jet.  What was I supposed to do?”

“Charlie’s left me no choice.  I’ve got to run for something,” Kottkamp said.  “No one’s running for Attorney General, so it seemed like the easiest choice.  Besides, I’m a lawyer.”

An anonymous source in the Governor’s office later shared insights into the strategy session.  “Jeff was totally pissed at Charlie,” the aide said.  “It had been his understanding that if Charlie left for DC, he would have at least been able to retain use of one of the Florida Highway Patrol’s jets.  Once he found out that wasn’t the case, he went ballistic.”

According to the aide, Kottkamp isn’t sure he even remembers how to drive anymore and was worried about losing the blinking lights on his Tahoe.  After a three hour strategy session; however, reason prevailed and Kottkamp was finally persuaded that being Attorney General was “almost as cool” as being Lt. Governor—at least he could still use the jet.

So fire up the jets, Florida Highway Patrol, the crisis has been averted.

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Filed under: Florida, Florida Politics,

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